I’m not sure what I would do if you sat here at the table in front of me. Part of me wants to punch you in the face, yet another part me so desperately wishes that I could collapse in your arms. I haven’t been near you in a while. You’ve even been far from my thoughts, or at least from kindness. I’ve hated you. I am much harsher than Rachel. I’ve hated you for so long. For leaving me. For killing yourself. I’ve thought you a coward. You were my father. You were not supposed to leave. You were not supposed to leave me alone. I was lost without you. I was devastated. I was confused.
You were supposed to teach what it meant to be a man, to be a son, to give me an example of being a father. I’ve shed so many tears because I felt like I would never have your approval. You didn’t give me much of a chance, but you, yourself did not have the strongest foundation. You probably didn’t know your parents too well, either.

You were shipped off to school, away from your family, away from your father. It’s no wonder you tried to find your worth in the women you slept with or in the drugs you sold. You didn’t know where to go. You didn’t know there was a savior who loved you and you went insane without hope. In abandoning me, you gave me all you never had. When you left, I was forced to find my own foundations. I put it in women only to see that they couldn’t comfort me. I put it in my own strength, only to watch the cities I built, fall to the ground. I even put it in ministry only to fail so miserably. My only foundation was God, a foundation you might not have reached, or jumped away from.

I so hated you and wanted to push you away but I realized that you and I are one in the same. We share the same pains of abandonment, but when you left me alone you put me into a safer place. You saw that I would be better in another’s hands: the hands of God. When you left, I felt orphaned. I was passed between various substitutes. I’ve had many mentors, but I could never rest in their arms and call them Daddy. I could never wake them up to tell them about my nightmares. I could never run to their arms when I was scared. You left when I was so small. The memories of you are few but I know you were there in my life and I wasn’t enough to make you stay.

I wasn’t enough to make you want to stay. My tears flow freely because even now, in all the hate I hold for you I still can’t help but miss you. I want you here. You put so many wounds in my heart without being there. You cut me deep when you rejected us all. Because of you I feel like I can’t allow myself to love someone without them leaving. You shattered my trust for all of humanity. You killed my perspective of fatherhood. You left me feeling unprepared for all of these choices I now face. I now have to enter into manhood and I feel like you didn’t even give me an example to follow. I had no one to fight for me here. I had to face troubles without your support, but still you handed me over to something better. Even in all of my pain I know that this is probably the best thing you could’ve ever done for me. You taught me to depend on God for everything.

You taught me to see Him as “Daddy”. I wish you knew how to look at Him the same way. I wish you were here. I often wonder what you would think of me if you saw me now. Would you be proud? Would you want to stay? Still, even in all of the pain, know this: you are forgiven. Robert Hickerson, I forgive you. Daddy, I love you. I so wish that you had relied on God to heal your brokenness instead of taking matters into your hands. I wish you could’ve found foundation in Him to restore your sanity. I love you and I miss you.

I can’t hate you anymore. I can’t live wishing you away from my mind for you are my father. God entrusted you with me and you realized that you were not enough for me so you gave me back, not in spite, but in tender humility.

I was never alone. You did cause a lot of pain, but in forgiving you, God is bringing so much healing. Remember that I love you. It will not change. You were a man who, like many, ran and gave up and my heart is moved with pity, but it is also moved with love. I wish you and I could talk now. I wish I could see your face. I wish I could be there to help you up because I know that you really did love me. Forgive me for hating you, Dad. I forgive you for leaving and I love you with a love beyond myself. Your weaknesses will not hinder my love for you.

Your choices, lovers, abuses, and self-termination can’t stop me from loving you. You taught me this love when you threw me in the arms of God. You thought me too good to be your son and you gave me to my Daddy. I wish you knew the healing power of grace. I’m only just learning it myself, but what I’ve I learned is that I can’t do any of this on my own. I know what it means to be overwhelmed. To be in anguish.

To be unable to control my emotions and feel imprisoned by sin. We were in the same place but Christ redeemed us, but you chose to not accept His grace and you fell. I mourn for you because I love you so deeply. You were heaped with curses and chose to be defined by tragedy instead of forgiveness. Daddy would’ve accepted you. I would’ve done the same. We would’ve showered you with kisses and cried with you. If you sat here now, I would weep with you, hold you in my arms and show you the love of Daddy and of a Son that never gave up on you.

Love your son,
Ronald.