11 January 2013

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The road to recovery is a long road. People can recover from many things but only through GOD can true and complete healing come. As a young child I was not granted the opportunity of knowing my father. My mother overly compensated because she blamed herself for bringing me into this world without a father.

At a young age I didn’t understand why my father didn’t love me the way my mother did. I would go many months sometimes years without asking about my father. I was reminded by my family and neighbor’s often, how my father wasn’t in my life but he had a big brick house with a pool in the back yard, as if to say I wasn’t living a good life as well. I enjoyed my child hood. But just like everyone else, we all go through things in our childhood, for example, my childhood consisted of mental abuse for being a plus size girl and a latch key kid. This caused my grandmother to step in and she become overly protective over me, watching and guarding my every move like a hawk. So needless to say, I lived a very sheltered life.

My mother worked very hard to try to make up for that missing parent, At a young age I didn’t understand why my mom worked all the time and when I seen her she was very irritable and tired.

One day my mother and I was shopping and I remembered seeing a man in the store and he dropped all of his items and ran out, when I looked up at my mother seeing her eyes filled with anger and disappointment she looked back at me and said that was your father. She never would speak down about him; she would only say that it was his lost not mine.
As I entered my teenage years with the adventures of Woodrow Wilson High School, I became friends with some kids from a town called Lanark “which is where my father lived with his wife and two daughters”. Many rumors started about me being the daughter of this man and many questions came with that. As usual I just brushed it off and kept reminding myself it was his lost.

My mother never married and I didn’t have many male role models, I didn’t know how a man was supposed to love a woman, or how to be a wife at all. I finally met a guy and the puppy love grew into a relationship. At the age 17 a senior in high school I found out that I was pregnant.

MY WORLD WENT TO A HALT! In my mind all my mother’s dreams of me going off to Howard University had been destroyed. What would she think, how would she react, and what would I do? So I slipped into a depression, I stopped going to school and began avoided my mother because I still lived with my grandmother. Until that day she confronted me and asked me what was wrong and why was I avoiding her. I confessed the most challenging thing I thought at that time I had to face. The look of disappointment from a mother is something you will never forget. “Seeing that my mother lived her life through me” I KNEW I HAD REALLY SCREWED THINGS UP! But my mother really surprised me, she wasn’t disappointed, angry, or scared, she supported me in every way thinkable.
Pregnant at the age of18 by my child’s father which was only 16 at the time, I begin to slowly learn that my child’s father and I were from two different worlds. My world was filled with love and support and his was filled with violence, alcoholism, neglect, and abuse.

In my heart I didn’t want history repeating its self, so I vowed that I would never let what happen to my mother happen to me. So at the age 19 after losing my grandmother (which was very hard) I moved in with my mother for the 1st time in life and we bumped heads. She refused to let me be a mother instead she took over. So I left and moved in with my boyfriend and his mother in North Carolina. My mother was very hurt and didn’t want to lose her granddaughter or me.
Sadly to say I was in for a rude awakening when I moved to NC. Being a 19 year old mother coming from a small town with your family surrounding you and now moving to the city with people you didn’t even know was overwhelming.
We finally got our own apartment across the street from his mothers. My boyfriend would go out every night and come home late and head straight for the shower when he came home. I opened the door one time and realized that he had been unfaithful and I questioned him. That’s where the 1st beating took place while he was choking me I tried to defend myself and he punched me in my face which shifted my nose, blacked my eyes, and busted my lip. The abuse continued emotionally, physically, and mentally. I felt trapped so I called my mother and I came back home to WV. Every time I left him he would follow me and convince me he wouldn’t do it again and I would give him another chance. This time he took me to Virginia and asked me to marry him.

At the age of 21 my daughter’s 19 year old father and I eloped while we both were still leaving with our parents. My mother was very disappointed and it seemed to despise my husband, I could understand it was because how he treated her daughter.

We shortly moved in with my mother (whichwas unbearable), but during that time I found out that my husband had two children on the way outside our marriage by different women. I was devastated and when I confronted him he choked me which lead us to separate. But again I accepted the apologies as he claimed they were lies, so I took him back. When my daughter was 2 my mother said my daughter came to her and said daddy shook my booty and so my mother became irate saying my husband was molesting our daughter. I was overwhelmed I couldn’t even think straight immediately he was kicked out the police were called and an investigation took place. The father told me that my mother was lying and she just hated him and after the police investigation and CPS stated that there was no proof I went back to him. Which put a huge rift between my mother and me but I always watched my daughter around him.

I can remember living in hotels until we were able to move in our own house. He was very jealous I couldn’t have friends or anything only him. Throughout the 16 year period that I was with my husband I had experienced the lowest point in my life. I had experienced abuse on all levels, sexual, physical, and mental. I didn’t want to live, I can remember one time I contemplated taking my insulin needle and putting air in my veins.
My prayers changed throughout the years. The 1st prayer was for God to make me the woman my husband would want, so he would love me. The 2nd prayer was that God make him the man that I desired. The 3rd prayer was make us the man and woman you want us to be. The final pray was God let your will be done and I will accept it, if he is not the man for me. During the course of time I had three children with my husband and he had 6 other children outside of our marriage. I allowed this man to strip me from everything.

I can remember my peak experience when God revealed to me that it was going to end badly either I walk away or one of us could die while the other in jail. I received threats from him if I left him. He said I was overweight and ugly, and that I was damaged goods because I had three kids and my tubes were tied, so no man would over want me.
I walked around in the wilderness for 16 years with this man asking God who had I wronged for the reason I was treated so badly and he revealed to me that I placed a man before him. I had wronged GOD. I prayed for God to take the unforgiveness out of my heart and release me from the demonic strong hold on my life. I continued this pray until one day my husband no longer had the same affect on me and I truly was free. I didn’t go back this time, I KNEW IT WAS FINALLY OVER!

I divorced my ex husband 7 years ago and through the process of me moving on with my life, he would continue to harass me and try to make me come back. One night he broke into my mother’s house with a crow bar and tried to fight me and my friend, my cousin had to step in and stopped him from attacking me. I had several domestic violence petitions against him but I wouldn’t follow through. But this time I followed through!
After he finally realized that I wasn’t going to cave in and come back to him, he didn’t try as hard but every now and then he would make attempt. As I moved on into another relationship without completely healing, I found myself picking the same type of man with the abusive personality. I vowed to God that I would not be mistreated or go back to where he had delivered me from, so I left that relationship. I had to find myself! Somehow I lost my identity by allowing a man to take full control and he had stripped me from everything.

I joined a church and gave my life back to GOD which rebuilt me and made me whole again. My daughter at the age of 16 came to me and said that her father had molested her from the age 7 to 9 and my world almost ended all over again. The God in me allowed me to deal with this on a spiritual level and not a worldly level. I knew that this had resurfaced because I was able to handle it and receive it. My daughter loves her father in spite of all his wrongs and didn’t press charges! But she asked that her younger sisters be protected.

I confronted him and he was irate threatened me and everything. Because of my walk with God, I was able to move on and I continually ask God to take any unforgiveness from me. I almost felt like I had to start all over but the healing process was much faster than the 1st time because I gave God the glory for delivering me from an abusive relationship.
My daughter at the age of 18 now, has also forgiven her father but they do not have a relationship and he doesn’t have a relationship with his youngest 2 daughters either. I offered supervised visitation but he refused.

God can heal the broken hearted and allow you to love again. On June 11, 2011 I will marry what I call my 1st husband!
Many don’t understand why I say that, But God does. My fiancé was my friend for 3 years before we began to date. He has showed me love that at times I couldn’t understand or even imagine. He loves me for me and we both put God 1st in our life. We are not perfect and we both have flaws but through God all things are possible. I speak to any woman that feels that she is not worthy of being loved, that has been abused mentally, physically, and spiritually.

When I made the final decision to leave abusive life, it wasn’t for me, it was for my children. They didn’t deserve to be punished for my selfishness desire not wanting to be alone and wanting them to have a father in their life. God has placed a man in my life now that loves my children and has accepted them as his own. I never knew a father’s love or a husband’s love. God has mended my relationship with my father and he truly has accepted me as his daughter. And God has given me a husband that loves me unconditionally. I praise God for my walk in life. I have learned many lessons in life.

The main lesson is to Put God 1st in all that you do and everything else will fall into place, I am happy to say God gave me the opportunity to go back to college and I now have two degrees and is currently working on my masters, I lift God up with countless praises for this. I pray also that this will help someone who is in an abusive relationship and give them the courage to stand up and say NO MORE!!!! By writing this testimony it has cleansed my heart and allowed me to pluck it out from the root and bury it in the sea for eternity. God Bless!!!

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